I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
