He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
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