you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
