Who did Billy Mays play for?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
