It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Randomize
