I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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