The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
