im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
God, I missed his penis.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
