I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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