i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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