My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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