You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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