my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
