I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
