I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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