worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
