There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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