all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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