Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
