Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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