I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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