I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
