absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Randomize
