i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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