between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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