if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
