I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
