I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
