There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
