when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i drank out of a bidet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
