so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
