I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
