Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
