So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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