Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
