Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
