Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Terrible idea I love it
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
