Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
