I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
