please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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