Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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