she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
