I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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