My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
did i walk over a car last night?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
