So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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