Where did you get a picture of my penis
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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