I can't watch pbs sober anymore
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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