True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
There's always time for handjobs
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
