before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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