So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
